All we're doing is posting 500 words worth of old, unpublished work for critique. That's right, you're allowed to
So, onto my excerpt. It's from the first original story I wrote back in 2000. Entitled Rowin Warriors: The War, it took place in the future and was about kids in the military and they saved the universe . . . or something like that? Totally middle grade. There were also aliens and magical fighting powers and people who flirted through arguments. Yeah. I was 12. It didn't have to make sense.
Chapter One: Potatoes
I opened my eyes as I yawned. A big yawn to be precise. I was tired. Now who wouldn't be tired after a meeting at twelve o'clock, midnight, extending to two o'clock, in the morning? A stupid meeting . . . oh dear, I snapped awake. I looked at the clock; it said 7:32. TGINL: Thank Goodness I'm Not Late. Then I saw the paper next to my clock. It said:
Read this paper
Change clock tonight
DO NOT FORGET
THE COMMANDER WILL SHOOT YOU AND THEN EAT YOU FOR HIS DINNER WITH A PETITE FORK IF YOU FORGET TO LOOK AT THIS LITTLE PAPER
I sat there blinking for a couple seconds, trying to comprehend what I had just read. Now you got to understand this, it’s not easy to assimilate things when you had, oh, two hours of sleep. Snap. Crackle. Pop.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" I yelled as I jumped out of the hammock. But failed. Instead of getting out of the hammock, I flipped it over and landed on my head, on the ground, in the dirt. So then I attempted to get up, but my foot got caught in the hammock, so as I held onto my bruised head, screaming, I fell again. So by the third time I had actually gotten out of the stupid hammock, but as I held my head in agony, something crawled over my hands. To be more precise, something with eight legs that eats bugs.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” I yelled again, and swatted at my head, and a big black spider dropped out of my brown and highlighted green hair. Now let me describe what make this arachnid scary. It was a giant black spider. A really, really big black spider. I am talking huge, gigantic, large black spider that was on my head. The freaking thing was as big as my hand! So, in a somewhat calm mood, I grabbed a comic book belonging to who knows, and smashed the monster spider screaming something similar to the words die, death, and get away.
So that matter was taken care of, now to the big problem.
“Bad morning. Really bad morning. Why can’t it be Friday?” I moaned. I was late for the Commander’s stupid talk that was supposed to take place at 8:00, in the morning, and a monster spider just tried to kill me. In other words, I’m seriously flirting with death.
To tell the truth, I could have gotten up on time, but I didn't look at the paper and I didn't change my clock. When I looked at my clock earlier it had said it was 7:00, so I believed it. It had been Daylight Savings yesterday and I didn’t bother to change my clock, so the alarm was wrong too. That was a little over half an hour ago and clock now said 7:43. But it's really 8:43, correction; it's now 8:44, or if you prefer, 7:44.
Please don't judge me. *cringe*
But yeah. It took 2500 more words for Kat to get to her meeting. 2500 WORDS. But that's why this is a Friday the 13th Blogfest, right? It's all about horrible, wonderful, hilarious things. Oh, and if you're wondering about the chapter title, Kat totally gets KP duty.
Anyway, feel free to give my 12-year-old self a critique. I remember being particularly proud of this opening at the time, even though now it makes my eyes bleed. Tell me your thoughts in the comments (and then go participate with your own post because I want to laugh at your stuff too)!