All we're doing is posting 500 words worth of old, unpublished work for critique. That's right, you're allowed to
So, onto my excerpt. It's from the first original story I wrote back in 2000. Entitled Rowin Warriors: The War, it took place in the future and was about kids in the military and they saved the universe . . . or something like that? Totally middle grade. There were also aliens and magical fighting powers and people who flirted through arguments. Yeah. I was 12. It didn't have to make sense.
Chapter One: Potatoes
POV: Kat
I opened my eyes as I yawned. A big yawn to be precise. I was tired. Now who wouldn't be tired after a meeting at twelve o'clock, midnight, extending to two o'clock, in the morning? A stupid meeting . . . oh dear, I snapped awake. I looked at the clock; it said 7:32. TGINL: Thank Goodness I'm Not Late. Then I saw the paper next to my clock. It said:
KAT
Read this paper
Change clock tonight
DO NOT FORGET
THE COMMANDER WILL SHOOT YOU AND THEN EAT YOU FOR HIS DINNER WITH A PETITE FORK IF YOU FORGET TO LOOK AT THIS LITTLE PAPER
I sat there blinking for a couple seconds, trying to comprehend what I had just read. Now you got to understand this, it’s not easy to assimilate things when you had, oh, two hours of sleep. Snap. Crackle. Pop.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" I yelled as I jumped out of the hammock. But failed. Instead of getting out of the hammock, I flipped it over and landed on my head, on the ground, in the dirt. So then I attempted to get up, but my foot got caught in the hammock, so as I held onto my bruised head, screaming, I fell again. So by the third time I had actually gotten out of the stupid hammock, but as I held my head in agony, something crawled over my hands. To be more precise, something with eight legs that eats bugs.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” I yelled again, and swatted at my head, and a big black spider dropped out of my brown and highlighted green hair. Now let me describe what make this arachnid scary. It was a giant black spider. A really, really big black spider. I am talking huge, gigantic, large black spider that was on my head. The freaking thing was as big as my hand! So, in a somewhat calm mood, I grabbed a comic book belonging to who knows, and smashed the monster spider screaming something similar to the words die, death, and get away.
So that matter was taken care of, now to the big problem.
“Bad morning. Really bad morning. Why can’t it be Friday?” I moaned. I was late for the Commander’s stupid talk that was supposed to take place at 8:00, in the morning, and a monster spider just tried to kill me. In other words, I’m seriously flirting with death.
To tell the truth, I could have gotten up on time, but I didn't look at the paper and I didn't change my clock. When I looked at my clock earlier it had said it was 7:00, so I believed it. It had been Daylight Savings yesterday and I didn’t bother to change my clock, so the alarm was wrong too. That was a little over half an hour ago and clock now said 7:43. But it's really 8:43, correction; it's now 8:44, or if you prefer, 7:44.
Please don't judge me. *cringe*
But yeah. It took 2500 more words for Kat to get to her meeting. 2500 WORDS. But that's why this is a Friday the 13th Blogfest, right? It's all about horrible, wonderful, hilarious things. Oh, and if you're wondering about the chapter title, Kat totally gets KP duty.
Anyway, feel free to give my 12-year-old self a critique. I remember being particularly proud of this opening at the time, even though now it makes my eyes bleed. Tell me your thoughts in the comments (and then go participate with your own post because I want to laugh at your stuff too)!
10 comments:
That snapped, crackled and popped.
Wow. I mean, I remember this being bad. Really bad. But I didn't quite remember the extent. This is awesome. I love it. I especially love all the random commas.
My favorite bit is the dialogue. No, wait, the description of the spider is pretty hot too. Either way, glad you enjoyed . . . and you should totally participate. XD
(@brennabraaten - which, btw, you don't need to inform me, I get emails no matter who comments)
I would love to, but the only thing is that I don't actually have the copy of the work that would be perfect for this with me. But I'll take a look at some of my other stuff. Maybe my first NaNo will be crap.
Wow. I'm going to have to go FIND my first NaNo. That might actually still be on my last laptop. Weird.
But yes. The description of the spider is hilarious. I especially like the repetition of the times. What the hell is with that last line? I'm also rather fond of the random initialism in there.TGILN? Really? Where'd you come up with THAT one?
I'm excited to see what you come up with. :)
Also, I was 12. That gives my writing every excuse to be horrifying.
AHAHAHAH.
Yeah, there are a lot of issues with this, but I LOVE the voice. So wry and silly. Not quite sure how old Kat is, but if you meant this to be an MG, then it sure does come across that way.
"petite fork" CHORTLE.
"to be precise" BAHAHAHA.
So ah, ahem.
Dear 12-year-old Sarah,
Kat (great name!) sounds like a super fun character. Very ready-to-rumble and sarcastic and silly. I like her.
But maybe be careful how you describe things! While it's great to play it tongue-in-cheek, it can also be great to actually show what's happening, rather than telling us how Kat is reacting. Try not to speak to the reader when you're describing it, but explain it as if it's actually happening RIGHT NOW. (Except in past tense.)
(If you, yanno, like past tense.)
And intersperse that with Kat's reactions.
And also, maybe make sure to set your alarm clock right for daylight savings time. Or move to Arizona, where they don't follow DST. ;)
Yours,
-Kat
OK, I think you were a fab 12yo author with a lot of voice. Traveling back in time to Y2K, I'd probably write a crit about avoiding play-by-play action.
Although, I have to struggle not to do this TODAY.
I like the double Ahhhhhhhhhh! *giggle*
I think this is pretty good for 12 years old! Haha, I love the "petite fork." I wish I still had the novel I started writing when I was 12. It was about giant rats from outer space. I don't think I need to clarify that it was hilariously bad!
Hee hee hee, glad you found it amusing. :3 It's one of those things I look back at every once in a while for a laugh.
I'm pretty sure I didn't mean it to be MG at the time, but if definitely comes off as such.Definitely agree with your critique though . . . and glad you like my Kat! The entire rest of the story is like this, so some description would definitely go far. :)
Aww, I'm sure my 12-year-old self would thank you! And I definitely agree about the play-by-play bit. I think the story could use a bit of description thrown in there. ^_^
Tee hee, and I'm glad you found it amusing--the screaming is totally one of my favorite parts too. :)
Aww, glad you like it. :) My 12-year-old self was very proud!
Giant rats from outer space is amazing. Sounds like a lot of potential for action and adventure!
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